have you heard the one about...

[dyna-ti]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.








The moral? Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

 

[Dr S]

Bloke next door has just been diagnosed with Brittle Bone Syndrome and has had to give up cycling. He offered me his mint Colnago for just £200.

I snapped his f*ckin hand off!

 

[David B]

Had a problem with my TV set recently, fortunately a mate who usually repairs washing machines was able to fix it for me. Turns out I was using the wrong type of Ariel.



David

 

[LQQK]

…the agnostic insomniac with dyslexia?

He used to lay awake at night and wonder if there really was a Dog.

 

[capitanfigueras]

Green tarmac and black tarmac sitting in a pub having a drink. In walks red tarmac. Black tarmac leans over to green tarmac and says "stay clear of that bloke, he's a cyclepath"

 

[legrandefromage]

Clive was worried, Nigel had a knife...

 

[johntheboy]

My mate just hired an eastern european cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

[johntheboy]

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head... Yeah... life was tough in the gateaux

 

[David B]

Don't be fooled by those "Kellogg's" brand jigsaws that they sell in supermarkets. I bought one and the finished puzzle looks nothing like the chicken pictured on the box; worse still are the ones made by "Scott's" - the pieces are tiny and the end product in no way resembles a bloke in a kilt!

David

 

[David B]

I was in Morrisons the other week and saw Bobby Davro stood next to a large display of Heinz cans - didn't realise they sold has-beens as well as baked beans.

David