Made up Schwalbe tyre names and intended use

Re:

Tommy Tank - for those that like firm grip

Dangerous Dave - for those whose ambition outweighs their talent

Backdoor Beth - for muddy conditions
 
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KAUSTIC KAREN - For riding on smooth, gilded and unfettered sidewalks in privileged neighborhoods in gated communities while rushing self-righteously, indignantly, and headstrong into a non-situation with your cellphone camera to make a statement so you can tell the manager and post it on social media. Also sold as KOVID KAREN.

<< SIDE EFFECTS: Always angry, entitled, unhappy, and caustic (hence the name), most probably as the result of dashed hopes and dreams brought about by unrealistically high expectations obtained by watching Disney movies wherein a Prince Charming will marry you and take you away to his castle to live a carefree life of abundance happily ever after >>

<< DISCLAIMER: Only available in upper-middle-class neighborhoods in USA >>

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Karen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o65d5NAkmI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suSBQ_gjJos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_a-cshN8KE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oLx6fKWk84

GRATEFUL GUS - For riding on non-maintained roads in third-world countries to collect road-kill to bring back to your village to make road-kill stew so that everyone in the village can drop to their knees and thank almighty God for delivering them sustenance so that they may rejoice and live in gratitude to survive for another day.

<< SIDE EFFECTS: Always upbeat, happy and grateful (hence the name), most probably as the result of living realistically without expectations of opportunities in life other than those which you can make for yourself so that you may live another day with the strength to face life's challenges, to always have a kind word to offer, to help one another, and to smile in spite of life's inevitable setbacks >>

<<DISCLAIMER: Not available anywhere in the USA>>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep9Vzb6R_58

Now turn your speakers up to eleven....or twelve, even, chill-out, don't sweat the small stuff, and realize that we're all going to go away sometime, so we all may as well have a good time while we're here, and that the most important thing in life is each other.
:D
 
Despicable Dom - All round bad tyre, but allows you to ride anywhere, anytime with no regard to impact on others. Keep with you as a spare in case you’re spotted on a cheeky path.
 
Trickling Ted - incontinent tyre which loses pressure all the time
Punisher Putin - fantastic tyre, wouldn’t say a thing to fault it
Burping Betty - very difficult to seat
Massive Morgan - just shit in every way and very loud
Sad Sid - very wrinkly even when properly inflated but makes you smile on every trail and just keeps on carrying on....
Krazy Kim - all the testing for this tyre was done underground for some reason
Bolshy Brad - very aggressive tread with huge shoulders, previous a front tyre paired with the rear Jolly Jolie but now considered incompatible - they just keep pulling in different directions
Aggravating Alison - a rear tyre which follows the Bolshy Brad everywhere and keeps whining on every surface
Restless Rachel - brilliant in the wet in Wales- perfect scores all round and just won’t stop even when cut to ribbons
 
Whaata-k'Hunt - tubless and can't mount on a Mavic Crossmax without rim damage. The new name for Racing Ralph :facepalm:
 
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Wincey Willis - great all weather tyre
David Dickinson - tan wall tyre, slightly antiqued tread
Tip Tipping, great tyre for stunt riding...until it kills you
 
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