Tongue in Cheek look at cycling

[Easy_Rider]

that is a class site - I will have to look more...

http://www.27bslash6.com/guaranteed.html

That one is great, read the emails of why it's about cats LMFAO

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8.12pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Censorship

Dear Mike,
Thank you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs. I simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do however understand the importance of censorship. Without an enforced system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced to exercise their own discretion.
Regards, David.


From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.27am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Censorship

David, your obvious disrespect for authority doesn't change the fact that soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a criminal offence under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.44am
To: Michael Harding
Subject:Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Michael,
Despite your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.
While not exactly a police officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and constructed a moustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the neighbour's cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered my allergy to cat hair. Dragged to my neighbour's house, my apology through lips the size of bananas came out as "Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat iwntdtobemgnumpi." I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the 25th century due to Wilma Deering's jumpsuit but despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.
I have been considering sitting the police exam again as protecting the community from burglars, murderers and blogs must be very fulfilling. I am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging and I once performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self defence and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and pretend to walk against a strong wind to the delight of those around me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite useful during police stealth operations.
Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball and a three to one ratio of chlorine & brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collar bone from the kickback and two inch hole through two plaster walls then a television set brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding


Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 2.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

David, this isn't the first time we've received complaints regarding your website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article and I'll be checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously but I can assure you that we do.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 3.18pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Michael,
I do indeed take the matter seriously and will attempt to facilitate your request by 5pm tomorrow despite the fact that I am extremely busy this weekend. I need to bury the two dead backpackers I have in the spare room as the smell is starting to attract suspicion. And wolves. It is a fairly large job as one of the backpackers is American and will therefore require a hole several sizes larger than normal. On the plus side, the other is from England which obviously means no dental records.
I could hire one of those mini bobcat tractors for the day but will probably just let the children out for a game of 'best digger gets food this week'. I am sick of hearing "I want my parents" and "Please don't lock me in the spare room again, it smells funny" but many hands, no matter how small, make light work.
Also, I was watching Crime Stoppers last night and was wondering if you need anyone to play the perpetrators in crime re-enactments? I have several years acting experience convincing co-workers that I am listening and care about their relationship issues or what they did on the weekend while really thinking about robots or what would happen if a car made of diamond drove really fast into a wall made of diamond. I would prefer to play either a black professor or an Asian bus driver.

Regards, David.


From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 10.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

I suggest you spend the time deleting the page as you have been requested to do rather than writing about dead backpackers. What is wrong with you?


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.02pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Mike,

My apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my vehicle. Did you know that if you report it stolen the insurance company gives you money to buy a new one? I usually do this every eleven months as it saves having to pay for an annual service.
I do not have dead backpackers in the spare room. I was just being silly. There is no space in there due to the hydroponics system, pots and bags of nutrients. I read somewhere that it is ok to have up to three hundred and seventy marijuana plants for personal use. Correct me if I wrong. As I do not have a backyard and the plants take up most of the apartment, I sleep in a hammock stretched between two of the larger trunks. It is like sleeping in a jungle and sometimes I imagine I am a baby monkey. Due to the 24 hour UV lighting, my electricity bill this month is nearly four thousand dollars but I have an awesome tan.
In regards to the website, rather than deleting the article, I will amend it to be about cats. Is this acceptable to you?
Regards, David.


From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.31pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

It isn't legal to grow even one plant which I'm sure you already know. Possession of less than 100g or one plant has been decriminalised but still carries a fine. Changing the page to be about cats is fine. I will be checking to see if it has been done by 5pm. I strongly suggest that you do so.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.17pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Mike,
5pm eastern standard time or ours?
Regards, David.


From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Ours. I've had enough of your nonsense. If the page is not removed or changed within the next 20 minutes I will be filing an order under the e-crimes act of 2006 to have the website shut down.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.59pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Done.

 

[legrandefromage]

 

[cyfa2809]

how often does he add new stuff?

 

[Lysander]

I've had enough of your nonsense

That made my day..........

 

[cchris2lou]

wont let me read website at work , can you copy and paste more , it is so funny .

 

[Easy_Rider]

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together.
I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine.
The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

 

[6.5x55]

That is the funniest net stuff I've ever read, the guy's a genius. I've just been laughing solidly for the last 5 minutes . Edit, just read the above one and genuinely nearly died laughing...

 

[Easy_Rider]

Another for those stuck in work

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: DVDs

Dear Megan,
Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago.
I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: DVDs

Hi David
Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me.
Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,
Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David
No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible.
Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,
With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database.
Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300˚ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely.
Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

David
The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost.
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,
I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows:
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95
Waterworld $4.95
Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95
Logan's Run $12.95
I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing.
I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so.
I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David
I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse.
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3.28pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,
I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide screen plasma. My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level.
Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty.
In regards to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could have purchased six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, had Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David.
Restocking fees are:
002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.30
003103119 Logans Run $7.90
008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30
000721082 Waterworld $5.70
Total: $29.20 - I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees.
Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7.42pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,
Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan's Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store.
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1.15pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,
That makes more sense, I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What do you mean by two copies? Are you saying you found the four movies?
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.57pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,
Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills.
Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open due to my air conditioner being broken and the temperature outside exceeding that of the centre of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched 'beep' every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the space of many hours before toppling from the edge and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even.
Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 3.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Ok.

 

[Neil]

These have been absolutely priceless - please post more!

 

[Easy_Rider]

Found this on the same site. Although I don't use McDonalds at all, can't stand the stuff, I still find this letter shocking and amusing.

Shocking because they actually think like this and amusing beacsue he didn't want it on record