I'll be here all week...

[Andy B]

Nicked off Bob Mortimers Twitter...

My wife said I could never get past my Phil Collins obsession, but take a look at me now!

I thought my girlfriend understood my obsession with the Monkees, but then I saw her face...

I just tried a cookie recipe that Bonnie Tyler gave me. They're alright but every now and then they fall apart.

Went in my garden and thought I heard my onions singing Bee Gees hits, but it was just the chives talking.

I was in a hostage situation at a wedding with Bonnie Tyler. Shooter made us all look away. Said, "Turn around, bride dies"

Just got back from my mates funeral . He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball . It was a lovely service.

 

[legrandefromage]

Boooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

 

[saltyman]

:roll:

 

[Supratada]

I've started seeing this lass who works in Marks and Spencers, but she won't let me try anything on.

 

[Drencrom]

 

[JohnH]

The lines in the OP sound just like Stewart Francis who appears on Mock The Week...

"I had a friend who got a job as a mime; I haven't heard from him since."

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice."

"My therapist tells me that i've got a preoccupation with vengeance........We'll see about that!!"

 

[Kestonian]

I just took a job in Seoul

My boss said it would be a good Korea move