Carlos Santana

A guy walks into the Doctors Surgery with a scone wedged up his bum

The doc examines him and then sits down. He turns to the patient and says
"Don't worry, I've got some cream for that "
 
A bloke walks into a bar with his terrier dog. He buys a pint of ale and a whisky for the hound.
Barman asks " Why the whisky for the dog " ?
Guy replies " That dog is the best blacksmith you'll ever meet "
They go and sit by the fire.
After a while the barman brings them fresh drinks. He asks the guy for proof for what he claims about the dog, in case he's ridiculed for spreading lies.
"Watch this" He says.
He puts the end of the poker into the fire until it's red-hot, then sticks it up the bum of the dog.
The dog yelped and made a bolt for the door....
 
Re:

Woman walks into a shop and buys:

3 meals for one
A small loaf of bread
2 apples
2 bananas
2 tins of beans

As she places them on the til belt the cashier remarks :
"you live on your own, don't you"?
"Yes" she repied.
"Can you tell that by what i've bought" ?
"No" he says.
"It's cos you're bloody ugly" !
 
Re:

Just got back from doing a house-call to view some clockwork toys and trains but returned empty handed, total waste of time.

They were wind-up merchants.
 
Re:

For the Peter Kay fans.

A naked man is running down the road with a woman on his back.
'Hey mate, where ya goin?'
'Fancy dress party'
'What ya goin as?'
'Tortoise
'Who's she?'
'That's Michelle.'
 
Re:

Paddy walks into a shoe shop and asks for a pair of daps in size 9.
"No problem" says the shop assistant.
Paddy tries them on, looks at the young lady and comments "They're a bit tight".
Being helpful she suggests "Try them with the tongue out"
Paddy replies "Theyrth a bith tighth".
 
Re:

I've just got myself a gig playing in a reggae band. They want me to play the triangle. It's no big deal really, I just have to stand at the back and ting.
 
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