We are full of sensible ideas.
The easiest, best, most elegant and sound financial solution of course is to sack it all off and go single speed.
Sell the cable guide, mechs, and shifters on Ebay and with the mass profit buy some purple CNC QR skewers.
Singlespeed is the only speed. I have a devilish grin on my face as I pull off the cable guides, shifters, using the gear wire to form a pentagram on the ground as I lay all the excess fluff from its geared past in the middle and begin the cleanse.
Petrol on the lot and one match later its been sent to kingdom come, the black smog of the burning derailleurs, shifters and cable housing serving its purpose as a signal fire for other singlespeeders to start their pilgrimage towards me, making great headway on the flats but they get delayed on the uphill section which they had to walk to spare their knees.
As they arrive, in their long black robes the festivities can commence and we chant ominously into the dark night: "no gears, no tears", with interludes of sporadic howling and barking.