Heard any good jokes lately?

[66 triumph daytona]

Heard this one in the pub recently:

Farmer goes to the doc-
Farmer-anytime I harvest my cornfield I get an awful headache
Doc-its a migraine
Farmer-no its not,its mine and why have you started speaking with an Italian accent?

 

[grahame]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes, she has" says the man.
"So what is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

 

[Mike Muz]

Re:

PMSL !

Nice one centurion I'm in tears!

Mike

 

[SouthCoastRetro]

Re:

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

Went swimming with dolphins the other day, didn't think I'd know what to say to them but we just clicked.

Hey Don McLean, I've never driven my Chevy to the levee but I have taken my Mazda to Asda, does that count?

 

[one-eyed_jim]

So, a man walks into a bar.

There's a tiny little piano player in the corner, seated at a tiny little piano. He can't be even a foot tall, but he's really rocking - amazing music - jazz, boogie-woogie, ragtime, one great tune after another.

Astounded, the man listens for a few minutes, then says to the barman, "That's incredible! Where on earth did you find him?"

The barman says, "You're never going to believe this, but there's a genie that lives in the storeroom out back. He'll grant one wish."

Intrigued, the man goes through to the storeroom, and sure enough, there's a genie!

"I am the genie!" announces the genie. "What is your wish?"

The man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I'd like world peace!"

There's a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and suddenly the room is filled with geese.

Disappointed, the man returns to the bar, and says to the barman, "You know, I think your genie's a little hard of hearing."

"Tell me about it!" says the barman with a long face. "Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"

 

[02gf74]

.

 

[pigman]

Re:

How does a woman keep her husband from reading her emails?

Rename the folder "instruction manuals"