It is not often that I agree with a Lame Armstrong utterance but "it's not about the bike" is totally on the money as it's about so much more. This was thrown into sharp focus by yesterdays Turkey Twizzler (http://www.retrobike.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=83185 ) with a great turnout, top bikes but some questionable style decisions. Because it is at least as much about looking good pre-ride and, importantly, post ride while nibbling on your aspirational pastry as it is about shredding some gnarly singletrack.
So, generously as always, I offer up Ed's Guide to Dressing Like a Gentleman as a cut out and keep, step by step reference (I recommend sticking it to your full length mirror).
Step 1) Always dress and behave like a gentleman (for female reader, and possibly others, substitute 'lady' for 'gentleman' and you won't go far wrong). When unsure I always find it helpful to think "what would Nigel Havers (Penelope Keith) do?" and then act accordingly.
Step 2) In civilian life, a gentleman can be judged by his shoes. For a cyclist, read shorts. This sounds a challenge - "what if I get the wrong brand?" but actually it is bewilderingly simple. Wear black lycra bibshorts. Period. If cannot tolearte the 'gay Bulgarian weightlifter' look of bibshorts then wear black lycra shorts. A team name on the thigh is acceptable. Assos is always a safe bet.
"But Ed", I hear you plantively cry, "lycra shorts do not give me la bella figura". This is very easy to solve. Legs too thin for lycra? Cycle more until you can fill your shorts like a man. A bit too 'full figured' for lycra? Cycle more until you cut a suitable silhouette. Are you getting it yet?
Step 3) Cycling jersey. This will be short zip road style with three pockets to the rear. There are plenty of designs to choose from and you won't go wrong with 80s road (TonTon Tapis is a favourite of The Guvnor and who am I to demur?) or anything from the golden age of mountainbiking. On no account are flappy, 'freeride' tops acceptable, particularly if 15 refers to the number of miles you ride a week rather than your age.
Step 4) Shoes. Sidi, should be tight enough to cut off the circulation which leads to.....
Step 5) Socks. Short, blindingly white and below the ankle bone. Any other approach leaves you running the risk of being mistaken for a suburban PE supply teacher who may well have a moustache. I mean, really.
Step 6) Glasses. Oakleys should be worn during the ride and then pushed impudently on top of your blow dried, tinted hair post ride. If you cannot use Oakleys then mud in the eyes is less of a risk then being laughed at openly by trail dwelling Gok Wan's. You have been warned.
Step 7) Post ride kit. You may have finshed your meander but you are still on duty and so need to look effortless but dapper while waiting for your gluhwein. An old pair of jeans is acceptable but attention to detail regarding footwear and upper wear is crucial. The former should be suede, Puma or adidas and date from between May 1968 and October 1974 (reissues are acceptable). Upperwear is either a classic cycling jersey/t-shirt/training top OR a Retrobike jersey/t-shirt. An advanced step is to have a casually draped cashmere sweater across your shoulders. I prefer them in apricot. If you must have headwear, one of the 'serve no purpose' cotton roadie caps will serve the purpose.
Step 8 ) This is super advanced. Podium Kit. I prefer a double breasted blazer with gold buttons and some freshly pressed bri-nylon slacks. You can use a Buff as an impromptu cravat. This is the ONLY acceptable use of a Buff.
Step 9) This is an anti-step. Baggy shorts are for modern bike riding, trail centre dwelling rotters so clearly have no resonant with the denizens of Retrobike. However I have seen their mushrooming at Meets. Let me be clear. Baggy shorts are, possibly, for the beach. They are never, ever for the trail. I refer you back to Step 1)
Not prepared to make such efforts? That is of course fine but I urge, nay compel, you to stay at your keyboard and continue to type a good game. But please, don't offend my eyes with your ill conceived ensemble.
Rakishly
Ed
So, generously as always, I offer up Ed's Guide to Dressing Like a Gentleman as a cut out and keep, step by step reference (I recommend sticking it to your full length mirror).
Step 1) Always dress and behave like a gentleman (for female reader, and possibly others, substitute 'lady' for 'gentleman' and you won't go far wrong). When unsure I always find it helpful to think "what would Nigel Havers (Penelope Keith) do?" and then act accordingly.
Step 2) In civilian life, a gentleman can be judged by his shoes. For a cyclist, read shorts. This sounds a challenge - "what if I get the wrong brand?" but actually it is bewilderingly simple. Wear black lycra bibshorts. Period. If cannot tolearte the 'gay Bulgarian weightlifter' look of bibshorts then wear black lycra shorts. A team name on the thigh is acceptable. Assos is always a safe bet.
"But Ed", I hear you plantively cry, "lycra shorts do not give me la bella figura". This is very easy to solve. Legs too thin for lycra? Cycle more until you can fill your shorts like a man. A bit too 'full figured' for lycra? Cycle more until you cut a suitable silhouette. Are you getting it yet?
Step 3) Cycling jersey. This will be short zip road style with three pockets to the rear. There are plenty of designs to choose from and you won't go wrong with 80s road (TonTon Tapis is a favourite of The Guvnor and who am I to demur?) or anything from the golden age of mountainbiking. On no account are flappy, 'freeride' tops acceptable, particularly if 15 refers to the number of miles you ride a week rather than your age.
Step 4) Shoes. Sidi, should be tight enough to cut off the circulation which leads to.....
Step 5) Socks. Short, blindingly white and below the ankle bone. Any other approach leaves you running the risk of being mistaken for a suburban PE supply teacher who may well have a moustache. I mean, really.
Step 6) Glasses. Oakleys should be worn during the ride and then pushed impudently on top of your blow dried, tinted hair post ride. If you cannot use Oakleys then mud in the eyes is less of a risk then being laughed at openly by trail dwelling Gok Wan's. You have been warned.
Step 7) Post ride kit. You may have finshed your meander but you are still on duty and so need to look effortless but dapper while waiting for your gluhwein. An old pair of jeans is acceptable but attention to detail regarding footwear and upper wear is crucial. The former should be suede, Puma or adidas and date from between May 1968 and October 1974 (reissues are acceptable). Upperwear is either a classic cycling jersey/t-shirt/training top OR a Retrobike jersey/t-shirt. An advanced step is to have a casually draped cashmere sweater across your shoulders. I prefer them in apricot. If you must have headwear, one of the 'serve no purpose' cotton roadie caps will serve the purpose.
Step 8 ) This is super advanced. Podium Kit. I prefer a double breasted blazer with gold buttons and some freshly pressed bri-nylon slacks. You can use a Buff as an impromptu cravat. This is the ONLY acceptable use of a Buff.
Step 9) This is an anti-step. Baggy shorts are for modern bike riding, trail centre dwelling rotters so clearly have no resonant with the denizens of Retrobike. However I have seen their mushrooming at Meets. Let me be clear. Baggy shorts are, possibly, for the beach. They are never, ever for the trail. I refer you back to Step 1)
Not prepared to make such efforts? That is of course fine but I urge, nay compel, you to stay at your keyboard and continue to type a good game. But please, don't offend my eyes with your ill conceived ensemble.
Rakishly
Ed
