Made up Schwalbe tyre names and intended use

Distancing Dan - Arbitrarily spaced tyre block pattern based on dubious evidence and inflated statistical analysis.
 
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Dirty Dancing - Won't let you into ANY corner
Porn Star - No matter what you do to clean them they always look dirty
Arthur Daley - You buy them thinking they're a bargain and they fall apart in a matter of days
 
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Remagen Bridge - You can blow it up as many times as you want but it just won't go down when you want it to

Richard Marx - Hazardous

Bon Jovi - Slippery when wet
 
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Sled Zep: a smooth tyre for icy conditions.

Dreary Deidre: a beige tyre for Monday morning commuting in February (that one's quite niche).

Mercurial Marvin: nobody's been able to work out this one's purpose yet.
 
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Alastair Campbell turbo special .Spins in any situation .

The Clinton white wall . performs well on the in turn .

The Marvin Terrel .....Ain't no Mountain high enough . :cool:

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