Carlos Santana

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
 
My girlfriend told me she wanted to weigh a pie she’d made but didn’t have any scales, and didn’t know where to take it.


So I said I’d take it somewhere over the rainbow...
 
Re:

That’s, what my heart, yearns for now.......
 

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I've been helping Art Garfunkel extend his kitchen, and was putting the concrete down for the floor but there was loads of air pockets in it so it was all uneven. I ended up putting some white goods over the top to hide it.

Now he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.
 
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I went to the Doctor the other day. I said "Every time I press my left knee it hurts. And every time I press my right knee it hurts, in fact no matter where I press my body it hurts. What can it be?
He replied


"You've broken your finger"
 
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A man goes into the Doctors and says "Doctor I keep thinking I'm mouth organ"
The Doctor replies "That's odd we had a woman in earlier with the same complaint"

"Ah, replied the man, that'll be our Monica"
 
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Best done in a Tommy Cooper voice:

Went to the doctor the other day, he said "Jump up on the table", I said "Why, what's the matter"? "Nothing I want to sweep up".

I 'phoned the council and asked if I could have a skip outside my house? "Certainly just where a mask and gloves" they said.
 
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