Viz-style Top Tips

It is the winter months.....SAVE MONEY on milk by not reporting your neighbour's death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring more expensive items like chicken or spuds.

Or.....FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!

or maybe you like.....ESTATE AGENTS. Please look up the words luxurious, stunning and spacious in a dictionary so as I don't have to spend my weekends being shown around badly-built shoeboxes.

or even.....CAN'T REMEMBER the artist or title of a song stuck in your head? Simply record and release the song and wait to be sued for breach of copyright. The information you need will be on the writ.

Too funny. :xmas-big-grin:

Having a dinner party and thinking of serving some sort of seafood cocktail to your guests? Rubber bands make an ideal cost-conscious substitute for squid rings, with the added advantages of superior taste and texture.

David

Recreational nose pickers - Tired of incessant nose-bleeds? Buy a bottle of Crayola craft glue and leave it open for a couple of hours. Then stick your finger in for pick it, lick it, roll it and flick it satisfaction...

Councils: solve you litter problems by issuing the blind with pointy sticks.

Save money on expensive brillo pads by filling those unused shredded wheat with liquid soap

Parents: are your kids big fans of Lego? Do they keep losing the yellow plastic heads off their Lego people? Frozen sweetcorn makes an ideal substitute. Until it defrosts, anyway.

David

British Rail bosses: avoid any possibility of your new 125mph diesel supertrain's public image being tarnished by association with dubious media figures by NOT getting a Top of the Pops presenter with a dodgy reputation to do the TV adverts for it.

Oh, hang on....

David

MOUNTAIN bikers. Stop that irritating squeal from your brakes and reduce wear on them by oiling the rims of your wheels before taking on that tricky descent.

Salad lovers: low on slices of cucumber? Simply soak a carrot in green food dye overnight and then chop it up in the usual way.

David

West Bromwich Albion supporters: save money on expensive replica footie shirts by snipping the bottom out of an old Tesco bag then slipping it on over the top of a white T-shirt.

David