Rubbish joke thread

I used to think that I was good at making love...


...until I discovered that my wife suffers with asthma.

I had a dream last night that I was in Lord of the Rings....
Turns out I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Two piles of vomit; one says to the other "you're disgusting", the other says"yeah, it's the way I was brought up"

I've heard Ryan Giggs suffers from homesickness.

He says he loves Manchester, but he does Miss Wales occasionally.

Music played a big part in my family, even the dog hummed.

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a police trunchion?

One is for cunning stunts...

a duck walks into a butchers shop , goes upto the counter and ask's the butcher "got any bread mate?"

the butcher replys "no ! this a butchers shop , we sell meat and theres some juice in the fridge" so the duck goes away....

half an hour later and he's back in asking "any bread mate ?" the butch er replys "no ! i've already told you we sell meat" so the duck heads away again...

an hour later he's back standing inside looking in the window , after some thought he walks in again and ask's " any bread mate ?" the butcher is pretty pi**ed off at this point and says "p*ss off or i'll nail your beak to the counter !" so the duck run's off...

next day the duck returns , walks upto the counter and says " psssst , come here" so the butcher walks over "closer" so he leans over a bit , "closer" so the butcher gets right down beside him and the duck said "any nails ?" and the butcher pulled away and said "NO!" so the duck said "any bread then ? "

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil?

There seems to have been a lack of rubbish jokes recently (although there will be plenty in our Christmas crackers in a few weeks' time....) so thought the thread was worth reviving.

Whenever I'm in the supermarket, on the whole I mostly prefer to wander up and down the aisle where the fabric conditioner is. I guess I just don't like being out of my Comfort zone....

David

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


Here's the transcript of a recent phone conversation I had with a friend of mine.

Him : "Hey X, any plans for tonight?"
Me : "Yea, I'm taking my ex out"
Him : "really? Where?"
Me : "No idea, but one bullet oughtta do it"