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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:54 am 
Posh Mark
Posh Mark
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Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2007 2:49 pm
Posts: 5981
Location: As far from the city as you can be ....
Some good, some not so good

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams”.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:04 am 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2007 5:13 pm
Posts: 8182
Location: Tredavoe, Cornwall
Genius, :lol:


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:11 am 
King of the Skip Monkeys
King of the Skip Monkeys
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Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 4:34 pm
Posts: 26159
Location: Moomin Valley
thanks to Tim Vine perhaps?


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:36 am 
King of the DuckBoard
King of the DuckBoard

Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:30 pm
Posts: 21466
:lol: :lol: Just what I needed today. :D


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 12:04 pm 
retrobike rider
retrobike rider
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Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:35 pm
Posts: 5802
Location: Dunkeswell, Nr Honiton, Devon
legend!


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:24 pm 
Retrobike's #1 Comedy Genius
Retrobike's #1 Comedy Genius
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Joined: Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:07 pm
Posts: 4104
Location: Wolkenkuckucksheim
"Glass, Bottle..........Bottle, Glass......" :P


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:06 pm 
East Midlands AEC
East Midlands AEC
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Joined: Thu Oct 05, 2006 7:45 pm
Posts: 15067
Location: Derby, UK
The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey died last week - they had real problems getting him in the coffin...


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:13 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:18 pm
Posts: 3798
Location: Staffordshire
orange71 wrote:
The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey died last week - they had real problems getting him in the coffin...


The man who did all the photography for Playboy died last week. the had real problems getting the coffin closed!


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