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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:22 am 
Retro Guru

Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 4:57 pm
Posts: 900
Location: Leeds
OK well its my work Christmas doo tonight and its usual for all the new folk (those who have started since last Christmas) to either sing a song or tell a joke. Taking into account the fact that this will be in front of about 300 people most of whom don’t work for the company and my singing is similar to that of a Banshee, i have decided telling a joke might be the better idea.

So any suggestions of good jokes would be much appreciated. Preferably not to long as i plan to be well and truly inebriated by the time I have to tell it.


Thank you in advance


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:44 am 
Devout Dirtbag
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Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2008 1:27 pm
Posts: 134
Location: Scunthorpe, North Lincs
Police admit they got it wrong when they shot John Charles De Menezez......























They were after his naughty brother Dennis.

Maybe a bit below the belt but made me laugh!!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:46 am 
South East AEC
South East AEC
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Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:39 pm
Posts: 3882
A kid came upto me the other day and asked 'Which is your favourite Telly Tubby?'

'Probably the new Samsung Widescreen, you cheeky ****'

OR

A woman brings 8yr old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8yr old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?!?!?!" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

failing those try http://www.sickipedia.org/ several of the jokes, well most of the jokes are not work safe !!!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:47 am 
Retro Guru

Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2008 9:19 am
Posts: 2098
Location: Sheffield, top city
yeah it is a bit below the belt....

made me laff too. i'll remember that 'un.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:50 am 
Gold Trader
Gold Trader
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Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:13 pm
Posts: 3098
Location: on the trail
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"



a bit long but funny


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:54 am 
Retro Guru

Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2008 9:19 am
Posts: 2098
Location: Sheffield, top city
what makes a bull sweat?

a tight Jersey.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:55 am 
Gold Trader
Gold Trader
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Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:13 pm
Posts: 3098
Location: on the trail
longer and funnier

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:59 am 
Retro Guru

Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2008 9:19 am
Posts: 2098
Location: Sheffield, top city
A yank smuggling watches into the Uk decides to fly into Manchester with half a dozen watches strapped to his manhood. Just as he gets to customs check, the officer is getting ready to finish his shift and wonders what the time is. In a strong noorthern accent, he says to yank "got the time on ya cock". "Jeez, you lot dont miss anything" he replies.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:45 am 
Retro Guru

Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 4:57 pm
Posts: 900
Location: Leeds
:lol: Thank you all very much. Theres a couple there ill be remembering (trying to anyway)


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:54 am 
Retro Guru

Joined: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:05 pm
Posts: 320
Location: The West Riding of Yorks
A quick one ... bike related

A teenage lad goes home and tells his Dad that he's had sex for the first time,

Great says his Dad, lets buy you that new bike you wanted as a celebration,

Son says, thanks Dad but can we leave it for a bit,

my bums still sore :shock:


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