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 Post subject: How To Give A Cat A Pill
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 3:58 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 12:48 pm
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Location: Out here in the perimeter...
Bored....friday afternoon....yawn... :roll:

Tidying up my Inbox...found this little item from 8 years ago :shock:


How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefingerand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 ) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1) Wrap it in bacon.


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 Post subject: c
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:04 pm 
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Friday afternoon chuckle :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:05 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Want another good one?


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 Post subject: y
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:07 pm 
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Yea why not,chillin at the mo 8)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:12 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of sh*t sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for 2 days because my a**hole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how Much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.


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 Post subject: j
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:15 pm 
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Pi***** my sides :lol:


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 Post subject: c
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:19 pm 
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The cat one is a classic :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:08 pm 
Gold Trader
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Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 11:19 pm
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Location: Odense, Denmark
I don't usually send stuff on that I find on the net...

But these are keepers...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:45 pm 
South West Deputy AEC
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Location: Wilts
Very good, i liked the cat 1 most, as i can relate to it :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:10 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2007 3:12 pm
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Location: The Shire
Classics.

That brightened an otherwise dull old day. :lol: :lol:


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