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 Post subject: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:54 pm 
Karma Queen / Cake Meisterin
Karma Queen / Cake Meisterin
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Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:02 pm
Posts: 6736
Location: North Yorkshire
The other day my 13 yer old had no sleeves on and there were dark permanent lines on her arms, obviously from cutting, not deep cuts but those marks are permanent. I've done this from 13 to 46, I've had many, many transfusions due to it and other permanent problems. she said she just felt crap at the time. Is this my fault? and what do you do to prevent any further occurrences, I know you'd probably think, you've been there so why not do what you wanted, suddenly I don't know what I wanted or what would stop me, I'm scared for her and feel helpless.

Alison


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 8:49 am 
Retro Guru

Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2007 5:50 pm
Posts: 946
Location: Over there -->
Now I'm no psychiatrist, but I think there are probably two things here: 1 question and one course of action:

Question: Was you cutting yourself your mother's fault? In the answer to that one lies a clue (not the answer) as to your question to us.

Course of action: Talk to your daughter. Show her your scars. Be open and honest. Talk about what the self-harming did or did not achieve. Make sure she understands that you (and your husband, and the rest of your family) love her unconditionally.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:10 am 
Retro Guru
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Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2012 1:48 am
Posts: 1384
Location: ,hyde
wow,i dont know what to say,but as you have been through it yourself you are in a much better position than most of us,as said above,dont blame yourself,you didnt make her do it.
wish i knew the answer,i have a 12 year old and i would be devastated if she did anything like this,so i dont envy your position.!!! :( :(


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 11:47 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 1:10 am
Posts: 4756
Location: Heathfield, East Sussex
grahame wrote:
Now I'm no psychiatrist, but I think there are probably two things here: 1 question and one course of action:

Question: Was you cutting yourself your mother's fault? In the answer to that one lies a clue (not the answer) as to your question to us.

Course of action: Talk to your daughter. Show her your scars. Be open and honest. Talk about what the self-harming did or did not achieve. Make sure she understands that you (and your husband, and the rest of your family) love her unconditionally.


Has to be one of the best replies I've ever seen, anywhere, on any topic! 8)


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 4:41 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Wed Apr 12, 2006 12:33 pm
Posts: 11105
Location: The Home Of Mountain Biking, And All Great Things.
Seek professional help.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2013 1:45 pm 
BoTM Winner
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Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 1:23 pm
Posts: 2760
Location: NW England
highlandsflyer wrote:
Seek professional help.

This seems a bit drastic.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:10 pm 
Retro Guru

Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 10:41 am
Posts: 637
Seems a perfectly sensible response to me. Seek professional help now before it becomes a lifelong thing. Kids may or may not respond to the help but its better to try it than do nothing.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:21 pm 
Karma Queen / Cake Meisterin
Karma Queen / Cake Meisterin
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Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:02 pm
Posts: 6736
Location: North Yorkshire
I agree with him actually. She didn't tell me I spotted it, she talked a bit but not a lot. I think if I forced her to the doctors and insisted she speak to the GP, weather I stayed or not, she'd be furious with me and may never trust me again. I'll go for the gentle monitoring approach, while letting her know I'm there for her when she needs me, and that I love her very very much.

I've had a few PM's on this subject with their thoughts and am very grateful to them

Alison


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:53 pm 
Retro Guru

Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 10:41 am
Posts: 637
Doesn't have to be a GP. You should ask her if she'd like to talk to someone about it. She may not want to talk to you or your husband but may be able to talk to a counsellor knowing thats its in confidence and can't be repeated to anyone including you.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it my fault
PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 12:55 pm 
Retro Guru

Joined: Wed Apr 04, 2007 2:33 pm
Posts: 723
Location: Highlands
Kerplunk wrote:
She may not want to talk to you or your husband but may be able to talk to a counsellor knowing thats its in confidence and can't be repeated to anyone including you.


Sorry, but that's not true. You'd be surprised at just how much that's said "in confidence" to teachers, doctors, school guidance counsellors etc is reported up the chain, whether or not that action is actually likely to help the person in question.

Alison, I think you're right to be cautious and to try and talk to her yourself without making too big a scene out of it if possible. A lot of girls do this sort of "stupid" thing at that age and thankfully most of them grow out of it, no point in calling in the quacks and making her feel even more set against; every point in speaking to her and keeping a close eye out for it in future...


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