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PostPosted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 5:25 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 01, 2009 2:49 pm
Posts: 2578
Location: Boiling in a Bivvy Bag
Alison, like the vast majority of people I think that violence against women is unacceptable. I also believe domestic violence is equally intolerable when men are the recipients - physical injury is often the least significant aspect, it's the control, humiliation and progressive devastation to self esteem and sense-of-worth that's the most damaging. But I'm not going make any suggestions as to what you should do, as relationships can be so complex, and 'outsiders' aren't always appreciative of the subtleties and powers involved. I do think you should be absolutely certain with yourself though that such violence is not justifiable.

One thing that's important is the effect that having-been violent has on the man. He's going to do one of the following things -
a) feel indifferent about it - not really care at all or believe that it was 'nothing', maybe even deny to himself that it ever occurred.
b) feel really guilty - and occupy himself consciously or otherwise defying and resenting the guilt, justifying his actions to himself.
c) feel really guilty - and be determined to not let it happen again. To acknowledge that it was unacceptable regardless of context.

The first two can not happen; they really aren't likely to lead to resolution in the long term.
Whatever you decide to do, I think it's pretty vital for your husband to accept responsibility for his behaviour.

Hope you can both find peace.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 6:00 pm 
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Location: The Home Of Mountain Biking, And All Great Things.
Very thoughtful post Ferrus, and I have to agree with everything you said.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 8:30 pm 
Gold Trader / MacRetro rider
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Joined: Sun May 25, 2008 11:03 am
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Location: Sunny Glasgow
He's wrong. Many have come from nothing and achieved great success. Talent and drive is needed though and motivation in huge quantities 8)

Now wait for his return and upon arrival run around the house shouting I WAS RIGHT LOOOOOOOOOOOOOSER :D




highlandsflyer wrote:
I have to agree with everything you said.


Tempting Tempting :P


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:38 am 
Karma Queen / Cake Meisterin
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Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:02 pm
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Location: North Yorkshire
ferrus wrote:
Alison, like the vast majority of people I think that violence against women is unacceptable. I also believe domestic violence is equally intolerable when men are the recipients - physical injury is often the least significant aspect, it's the control, humiliation and progressive devastation to self esteem and sense-of-worth that's the most damaging. But I'm not going make any suggestions as to what you should do, as relationships can be so complex, and 'outsiders' aren't always appreciative of the subtleties and powers involved. I do think you should be absolutely certain with yourself though that such violence is not justifiable.

One thing that's important is the effect that having-been violent has on the man. He's going to do one of the following things -
a) feel indifferent about it - not really care at all or believe that it was 'nothing', maybe even deny to himself that it ever occurred.
b) feel really guilty - and occupy himself consciously or otherwise defying and resenting the guilt, justifying his actions to himself.
c) feel really guilty - and be determined to not let it happen again. To acknowledge that it was unacceptable regardless of context.

The first two can not happen; they really aren't likely to lead to resolution in the long term.
Whatever you decide to do, I think it's pretty vital for your husband to accept responsibility for his behaviour.

Hope you can both find peace.


He is definitely c he has not stopped apologising since Saturday morning. I think he feels just a shitty as me about the whole thing. I'm sure we'll do our best to sort it out.

Alison


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:50 am 
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Joined: Thu May 03, 2012 7:13 pm
Posts: 2574
Location: The Cock Inn, Tillett, Herts
I've got 4 daughters ranging in age from just under 2 years, to almost 25, and if ever any man raised a finger to them I can guarantee that some unspecified unpleasantness will befall them. One of the advantages of looking like an extremely overgrown Phil Mitchell is that most boys/young men are too frightened to even come to my house, which is just dandy with me.

To head off any future grief my Missus bought me a T shirt, that reads...

When you date my daughter you should bear in mind...

1. Get a job.

2. Remember I don't like you.

3. I'm everywhere.

4. You hurt her, I hurt you.

5. Be home 30 minutes early.

6. Get a good solicitor.

7. If you lie to me, I WILL find out.

8. She's my princess, not your conquest.

9. I don't care about going back to prison.

10. Whatever you do to her I will do to you. But worse.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 12:28 pm 
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Posts: 2920
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Does your 25 year old live alone with her cats? :D


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 12:30 pm 
Karma Queen / Cake Meisterin
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Chopper1192 wrote:
I've got 4 daughters ranging in age from just under 2 years, to almost 25, and if ever any man raised a finger to them I can guarantee that some unspecified unpleasantness will befall them. One of the advantages of looking like an extremely overgrown Phil Mitchell is that most boys/young men are too frightened to even come to my house, which is just dandy with me.

To head off any future grief my Missus bought me a T shirt, that reads...

When you date my daughter you should bear in mind...

1. Get a job.

2. Remember I don't like you.

3. I'm everywhere.

4. You hurt her, I hurt you.

5. Be home 30 minutes early.

6. Get a good solicitor.

7. If you lie to me, I WILL find out.

8. She's my princess, not your conquest.

9. I don't care about going back to prison.

10. Whatever you do to her I will do to you. But worse.


I have 2 of each, my daughters are 11 and 13, so not boyfriend ready yet, but when my 20 year old was 15 we found he was having it away with his 15 year old girlfriend, what do you do? Her mother took her to the GP and she had implants both of us thinking it's better to accept it and protect than to have them hide it away and be grannies too soon. I'm not sure I'd feel that easy about it if I found my oldest daughter was doing it at 15, double standards I know but you just think your girls are more vulnerable than your son's.

Alison


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 1:41 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 03, 2012 7:13 pm
Posts: 2574
Location: The Cock Inn, Tillett, Herts
I suspect Ali you're not as unpleasant looking as me. I make a gargoyle seem handsome, and being very large gentleman with a very short haircut means just the sight of me is enough to put the wind up most young suitors. I've been told by the kids in the village I'm 'hench', which apparently means 'leave well alone'. If only they knew I smoked a pipe, listen to Jethro Tull and have a greenhouse, then things might be a bit different!


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 1:47 pm 
Karma Queen / Cake Meisterin
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Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:02 pm
Posts: 6736
Location: North Yorkshire
Chopper1192 wrote:
I suspect Ali you're not as unpleasant looking as me. I make a gargoyle seem handsome, and being very large gentleman with a very short haircut means just the sight of me is enough to put the wind up most young suitors. I've been told by the kids in the village I'm 'hench', which apparently means 'leave well alone'. If only they knew I smoked a pipe, listen to Jethro Tull and have a greenhouse, then things might be a bit different!


I will challenge you on that unpleasant lookingness, One day when my oldest son was 7/8 a boy in his school said "Why does your mum look like a man" My son being a boy with a tendency to sarcasm said "Because she used to be one" I thought it was funny, but the kid isn't wrong :oops: and I have a deep voice too, I was even kicked off internet banking because the chap on the other end of the phone would not believe I was me or female despite giving him all the details and secret numbers he asked for bar my card pin :roll:

Alison


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 8:52 pm 
Gold Trader / MacRetro rider
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Joined: Sun May 25, 2008 11:03 am
Posts: 18207
Location: Sunny Glasgow
I haven't listened to Tull for ages.
Thanks for the reminder :D


A mate was a huge fan of theirs ,Hawkwind and Ozric for most of his life. He had a huge stack of records,tapes etc and some really rare tull, crackly from being recorded on a basic 60's mono tape recorder.
At one point i owned nearly the entire catalog of YES. Sod knows what happened to it all :(

Off to youtube now :D Thx


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