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 Post subject: Curry Contest
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 11:31 pm 
Devout Dirtbag

Joined: Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:02 pm
Posts: 118
Location: Manchester
:evil: Got this by email today PMSL :twisted:


If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.

I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Nepal, you know how typical this is, they actually have a Curry Contest about June/July every year.

It takes up a major portion of a car park at the Royal Show in Kathmandu.

One of the judges was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from the UK.


"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Contest.
The nominated person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Tent when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Gurkhalis) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from your drive. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice, disappointing.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive
Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2 -- The best yet, aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb
Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a very large ice-cream.

Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge 3 - No Report.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 12:31 pm 
Old School Grand Master
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:18 pm
Posts: 3798
Location: Staffordshire
Amusing. Just what I needed to read after a night when the blasted alarm went off for no obvious reason three times. Is there an engineer in the house? Similar curry related thing happened to me in the Maldives. I was the only one to ask for 'medium'. Before I started mine I tried a forkful of the wife's 'mild'. That one made my fillings melt and bought on an involuntry attack of the hiccups.
I had to finish mine though (the waiters were watching and the chef came out too) and it did have an excellent flavour. You remember that map at the start of Bonanza? That was my arse the next morning.
I would say Frank was probably from the other side of the pond though.

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