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PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2012 6:41 pm 
retrobike rider / Gold Trader
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Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2008 10:44 pm
Posts: 3265
Location: Rushden......ish
A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

The barman serves him and asks how he is.

The Penguin replies "fine thanks, i don't s'pose my dad's been in has he?"

The barman replies " i don't know, what does he look like?"


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2012 8:37 pm 
Old School Grand Master

Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:37 am
Posts: 3976
lobster walks into the bar.

barman: get out!

lobster: why?

barman: well, you come in here giving it all that! (hold arms out like a lobster and make pincer motions with thumb and for finger)


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:21 am 
retrobike rider
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Location: Runcorn, cheshire.
2 dyslexics walk into a bar, one says to the other " can you smell lager & whiskey ? "
his friend says " no, i can't even smell my own name " :lol:


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:49 am 
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Location: The Home Of Mountain Biking, And All Great Things.
A man walks into a bar.

Turns out it was quicksand.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 4:37 am 
Gold Trader
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Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 11:19 pm
Posts: 7006
Location: Odense, Denmark
An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a
Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an
Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an
Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian,
an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a bar. The bouncer says




"Sorry.. I can't let you in without a Thai".


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 7:14 am 
retrobike rider / Gold Trader
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Posts: 5261
Location: Birmingham
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I have told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, says no we do not have any nails.

The duck then looks him square in the eye again again and says, "Got any grapes?"


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 8:47 am 
Devout Dirtbag

Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2012 7:03 am
Posts: 117
A rabbit walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham toased sandwich.
A bit later he orders a cheese toased sandwich, then an banana and jam toasted sandwich.
As the afternoon goes on he works his way down the toasted sandwich menu ordering one of each.

Suddenly he lets out a shriek and falls over dead.

Later that night his ghostly apparition enters the pub, slightly shocked the barman ask "What happened to you?"

The rabbit replied "Mixed a my toasties"


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 10:00 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:37 am
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english man, irish man and a scotts man walk into a bar. bar man says "is this some kind of joke?"


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 10:06 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 9:00 pm
Posts: 944
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the counter, and orders a beer. After a few minutes, he notices a large jar on the countertop next to him that has been stuffed full of money. The guy asks the bartender about the jar of money, and the bartender says “whoever can perform 3 particular tasks for me gets the jar of money”. The guy asks “what are the three tasks, then?” to which the bartender replies “You see those three doors there? Behind each of those doors is a task that needs to be done. Behind the first door is a fifth of bourbon whiskey and you need to drink the entire bottle within five minutes. Behind the second door is a man-eating lion that is suffering with a bad tooth, and you have to take these pliers and pull that bad tooth out of that man-eating lion’s mouth.” As the bartender hands the pair of pliers to the guy, he says “…and behind the third door is a 110-year-old woman, and you have to bring her to new heights of passion by having sex with her until she’s completely satisfied.”

The guy says “No problem! I can handle that! I’ll be back for that money before you know it”. So the guy steps confidently into the room behind the first door, and within five minutes he comes staggering back out, completely drunk off his rocker and holding the empty bourbon bottle. He then stumbles into the room behind the second door, and soon after he closes the door behind him, terrible loud noises are heard for about the next 10 minutes, including the lion’s loud roar, the guy’s shrieking at the top of his lungs, furniture crashed and broken into splinters, and walls being banged to the extent that pictures are falling off the wall in the bar outside the room.

Suddenly, everything goes quiet, and the guy emerges from behind the second door. His clothes are all torn to ribbons, his arms, legs, face, neck, and torso are all scratched up and bloodied, but he’s still drunk off his rocker and, clutching the pair of pliers in his hand, he says “Now where’s that old lady with the bad tooth?”


Last edited by incorrigible on Mon Sep 17, 2012 4:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 3:10 am 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Wed Apr 12, 2006 12:33 pm
Posts: 11105
Location: The Home Of Mountain Biking, And All Great Things.
jamabikes wrote:
english man, irish man and a scotts man walk into a bar. bar man says "is this some kind of joke?"


So far, this is the one I will nick.

:)


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