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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:10 pm 
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Location: Swansea/Birmingham
C'mon then people, and Al, do your worst ;) I'll kick off with a few that I heard recently.....

Paddy goes to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has epilepsy"
The vet looks and says, "it seems fine to me, sir."
"Hang on," says Paddy, "I haven't taken it out of the tank yet!"


My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an X at the end of your texts?"
I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."


Craig David has been appointed to help out the GB Olympic Archery Team.
He has been given the role of Bow Selector!


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:17 pm 
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I'm writing this from the hospital. The doctors say I'm going to be fine but I feel I should warn you all - the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!


The instructions on my insect killer say "Do Not Spray Near Eyes" which seems a bit specific - I tend to just spray the whole wasp!


I was Just walking on the pier in Llandudno when I heard shouting.
There was a man and woman arguing. Then the woman slapped the man so he slapped her and she slapped him again.
I was going to get involved but a copper turned up and tried to sort it out. Suddenly the man hit him so the cop hit the man with his truncheon and then the woman hit the cop. Their baby was crying - it was chaos.
Then a crocodile appeared with a string of sausages.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:10 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2007 5:13 pm
Posts: 8184
Location: Tredavoe, Cornwall
A football fan in Manchester sees a vicious dog attacking a pram... He's run over, fights the dog and kills it. A reporter from Manchester Evening News says to him "You're a hero and I can see the headlines now"

UNITED FAN SAVES BABY FROM DOG ATTACK!!

The fan says "I'm not a united fan" the reporter says "ok"

CITY FAN SAVES BABY FROM DOG ATTACK!

The fan says "actually I support Liverpool". "ok" goes the reporter

SCOUSER MURDERS FAMILY PET!


al.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:26 pm 
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Posts: 8184
Location: Tredavoe, Cornwall
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


al.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:27 pm 
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al wrote:
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


al.


8) LIKE!


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:33 pm 
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Location: Tredavoe, Cornwall
The missus has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait.

I bloody love Shepherd's Pie.


al. :D


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:36 pm 
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Location: Tredavoe, Cornwall
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle...

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me...

I gave her a cheeky wink and said "get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2!"

al.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:39 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2007 5:13 pm
Posts: 8184
Location: Tredavoe, Cornwall
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'





al. :D


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:41 pm 
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Location: Swansea/Birmingham
Some dwarf has hidden microphones all round my house...........












Little bugger!


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:42 pm 
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Location: Tredavoe, Cornwall
what's green and has wheels?



Grass... I lied about the wheels


al. :D


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