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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:46 pm 
Retro Guru
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Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 1321
Location: Sunny? Devon
Well it made me laugh :lol:

Tools: Definiton of Use
DRILL PRESS; a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room splattering it against that freshly painted car part

WIRE WHEEL; cleans paint and rust off of bolts and then throws them some place under the workbench at the speed of light, Also removes, finger prints, band-aids, and deposits small sharp wires in your shirt.

HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS; used to round bolt heads off. Also useful for giving your palm blood blisters.

HACKSAW: Part of a entire group of tools built on the chaos theory. It transforms human energy into a crooked,unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal the cut becomes.

VISE GRIPS; used to round off bolts heads. Can be used to hold objects while welding, transferring the intense heat to your palm.

OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH; Used for cutting metal that is always 1/8" thicker then the tip you have. Very good tool for lighting everything in your shop on fire. Well known for the magic characteristics of the oxygen bottle always being empty no matter how much you re-fill it.

METRIC SOCKETS; used for beating onto the heads of the bolts you rounded off with the pliers and vise grips

FLOOR JACK: A 4 foot long metal pipe on wheels that is used for removing the skin from you shins. Also can be can be used for raising your car 1 inch lower then the height of the transmission your removing.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut fuel and vacuum line 1" shorter then needed. Used in conjunction with the tape measure to confirm that the line is 1" to short.

HAMMER; Originally used as a weapon of war, now known for the ability of its handle to stop the tool box drawer from opening. Also useful for making blood squirt form under you fingernail.

ENGINE HOIST; A basic lever on wheels known for its ability to travel in the direct opposite direction of where you are pushing it. Employs divining rod characteristics to find the edge of the floor where the stone driveway starts.

QUARTZ LIGHT; Very useful tool for keeping you feet warm in the winter. Known for its ability to melt anything that comes in contact with it in less then a second, including your forehead. Will always shine the light into your eyes, but will keep the working area dark.

IMPACT WRENCH; Uses compressed air to twist off any bolt that you need to keep, and change the temperature of a junk nut from 68 degrees to 500 degrees in 1/2" distance of thread, burning your fingers as you attempt to throw it in the trash.

PRY BAR; Comes in many different shapes, sizes and lengths. Most are straight blade but occasionally they come in Phillips also.

OIL DRAIN PAN; A container used to collect oil drainings. No matter what size you buy it will always be 1" shorter then the distance between the drain plug and the oil filter.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 6:43 pm 
Retrobike's #1 Comedy Genius
Retrobike's #1 Comedy Genius
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Joined: Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:07 pm
Posts: 4104
Location: Wolkenkuckucksheim
Aye- and in a tin of assorted nuts, bolts, screws and washers (every workshop has them- mandatory under EEU regulations), you will find any number of identical items- but that number will be one less than you actually need.


 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 1:06 am 
King of the DuckBoard
King of the DuckBoard

Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:30 pm
Posts: 21466
:lol: :lol: The hack saw is so true. well in my hands :shock: :oops:

 Post subject: thank you
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 3:03 am 
BoTM Winner / PoTM Winner
BoTM Winner / PoTM Winner
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Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2007 10:44 pm
Posts: 1184
Location: norcal
laughing out loud.

coworkers and customers staring at me :lol:

that was great

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:18 am 
Anglian Deputy AEC
Anglian Deputy AEC
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Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2006 6:13 pm
Posts: 6928
Location: Livin' in a dust bowl
Yup :lol:

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