So must be a Friday
THE WORST THING TO SAY WHEN RUNNING FOR U.S. PRESIDENT
I intend to withdraw from Iraq, and invade some real pussies... like Spain.
Hi there, I'm like George Bush, only less intelligent
I will never forget the terrible events of 9/12.
Now I know what you're thinking, a Sagitarrius for President? But I have Leo rising.
Yes, I've smoked marijuana, and I inhaled... just now.
There are no skeletons in my closed, just a black latex dildo suit.
I would like you to call me... President... Showaddywaddy
I have a magnificent war record - it's 'Pipes Of Peace' by Paul McCartney.
Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail.
UNLIKELY LINES TO HEAR ON A SCIENCE PROGRAMME
After working on the equation for thirty years, Professor Stephens made an incredible discovery - his wife had left him and he'd wasted his life.
The trade in human organs is shocking - this kidney cost me nearly a tenner.
Today we're going to be making a bomb using chapatti flour and hydrogen peroxide.
Which is faster, a dog or a crossbow bolt?
And that's how God created the world in seven days.
I escaped from a petri dish! What am I?!
Hello. My name's Jade Goody.
And that is how we can prove that aluminium is gay.
A cure for acute depression may be just around the corner. Oh here it is - a train.
And, as the mighty lion shakes the life out of this tiny gazelle, I feel strangely horny.
Well, that test was conclusive - cats have one life.
UNSETTLING THINGS TO HEAR FROM THE COCKPIT OF A PLANE
Thank God we're flying, I'm too pissed to drive.
We're about to experience a little bit of turbulence, and then a lot of falling.
This is the captain speaking, we're out at the moment, please leave a message after the tone.
Don't panic, just think of it as landing more vertically than normal.
Help me with my seatbelt Abu, I can't do it with this damn hook.
OK Captain Thomas, when I tap the windscreen, I want you to stop.
Wagner's 'Flight of the Valkyries' from 'Apocalypse Now'
If you look out over the right wing, you'll see the burning remains of the left wing.