A scream in the night...

One of those farts thats so loud, you're woken up at 4.04am.

You feel it drift out even in your sleep with missus swearing at you because the smell is something akin to long decayed roadkill in a microwave.

You're awake now and thinking 'what the hell did I eat to do that?' as the wall paper peels.

Just as the effects of the first are wearing off, you realize that the first was only a warning and is about to be replaced by a belter. The legendary duvet lifter, now you're awake you may as well give it some effort and push (but not too hard) and to your great satisfaction, the kraken awakes!

Walls vibrate, dogs bark and the GF swears even louder...

You round off with just a peep, the sound of a small novelty trumpet, or a tiny creaky door hinge and go back to sleep with a smile on your face, ignorant to the curses of your bedfellow.

You just made my day

mines normally in the morning, just before i get out of bed

I find early hours of Monday morning to be the worst. Saturday night curry and beer, mixed up the next morning with a hearty full English (double egg job) topped off with a big roast Sunday lunch. By midnight it's almost unbearable.

Sleep farts are not something I'm familiar with. . . .

FAF

Almost as bad is the first time you sleep with a new partner, you wake up in the middle of the night, go to fart and think better of it. Then you don't have your usual morning trump as she's awake by then.

By now it's getting a bit painful and you're wondering how good the soundproofing between rooms is and whether you can do your best full volume trumpet fanfare when you go for a pee. But you think better of it.

Then if you're lucky/unlucky a morning, ahem, encore of the previous evenings activities will start. And you spend the whole thing with sore guts and in terror of an accidental parp.

But at least you have a hugely satisfying massively loud trump as soon as you're out the door headed for home, or even better after she leaves and you can get rid of several hours worth of wind in the comfort of your own home.

Tazio I could have written that my self, ditto mate

After dropping a fruity one in bed shout burglars then cover her head with the duvet. I find this goes down very well.