Retrobike Forum Index

It is currently Sat Dec 10, 2016 11:57 pm

* Login   * Register * Search  * FAQ



Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2011 9:28 pm 
Pumpy's Bear
Pumpy's Bear
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:03 pm
Posts: 8145
Location: Hereford
Before launching into reams of sage advice I must offer the following two disclaimers:
- I am not criminally responsible for any actions you take as a result of reading on.
- I am a know nothing chump.


Now that the boring legal stuff is out of the way, here we go.

Training
This is clearly anathema as gentlemen (for the rest of this piece 'ladies' can be used interchangeably) do not do anything as vulgar as training. Gentlemen ride. That said, your riding in the next 80 days can be tailored like a Saville Row suit so that you don't go to the line half cocked.

The approach to training is simple; if your riding already involves suffering, degradation and humiliation, preferably public, then you have little to learn. However if you don't return from every ride with a lingering sense of inadequacy then you really need to think about why you are bothering at all as you're doing no-one, not yourself and certainly not your teammates, any favours.

So, what to do if you currently ride with a smile on your face and a lightness of heart? Introspection is the jumping off point. Simply consider what you cannot do competently (if the answer is "I'm ok at everything" then please PM me and I'll put you straight). Then repeat it - I find reps of 10 consecutive failures at first should suffice. Obviously I don't wish to be prescriptive so feel free to adapt and adopt strategies that work for you. Want a concrete example? I am particularly hopeless at riding downhill. Time and ability to change are lacking. I am therefore practicing running nimbly down hill in stiff soled racing shoes with the added benefit that I then have to ride back up. Pure, personalised win.

Ok, so by now you should be feeling humble. The next step is to ride until you feel as if you have been expertly beaten up by the Stasi; there's not a mark on your body but your legs feel as if they have been hollowed out. Do this for the next few months and you can approach the start with the look of a man with hidden depths.

WARNING The following technique is only for the most advanced and involves a birch switch, a generous amount of woad and a full moon (aside: woad and blood look very similar in the moonlight but the former has the advantage that when your interfering neighbours call the police the charges won't stick. That said, if you want the full, unfettered experience, I can recommend mole blood). If you've read this far, I'm sure you know what to do.

Ok, so now you are honed and buffed within an inch, a taut mind in a taut body. At the level we are at however, nothing can be left to chance.

Nutrition
I'm not doing everything, so you can sort yourself out up until the day although I can particularly recommend the traditional Vallins Friday Night BBQ as the resultant food poisoning will leave you as hollow cheeked as a solo rider 23 hours in with the benefit that you still have 24 hours to go.

But on the day you need proper food. What follows may be contradictory (whatever) but follow it, to the letter, and you won't go far wrong. Use a supplement powder in your bidon such as Bikefood (is that suitably 'on message' JV?). Consistency is important and there are two basic approaches that you should try. The first involves a slurry thick enough to stand a titanium spoon in. The second involves a weaker brew looking, tasting and smelling like your partner's urine. I favour the latter. Sip this constantly throughout the 24 hours, pausing only if your stomach becomes especially distended in which case switch immediately to 440ml of full fat Red Bull every 20 minutes.

Liquids sorted, what about solids? This really is simple. 24 scotch party eggs, one an hour on the hour. Do not be tempted by large, whole eggs cut into quarters as the sausage to egg ratio is all to cock. I favour the party eggs with the minimum meat and egg content. Asda are particularly fine in this regard. For those who prefer to live dangerously, a few family pork pies left to sweat in the sun can be unusually effective motivational and nutritional tools. If you must then other processed meat products are acceptable if unnecessarily flamboyant.

What will I be ingesting in 2011? I'm currently experimenting with Red Bull, a microwave and a fistful of witchhazel and initial signs are good apart from several of my neighbours chickens having gone missing and mutterings in the village about Mr Hyde.

Hygiene
Although Dorian Ruddock with his portable spa takes it to extremes, I'll reluctantly concede that he has a point. Look after yourself and don't share or double dip the Assos Chamois Cream.


I'll leave you with two final thoughts..

1) Never underestimate the power of self loathing.

2) And, to quote the great Swiss Tony, "what is life without regret?".

Armed with those you will have a splendidly awful time in June, wallowing in introspection while surrounded by 2,000 smiling people who are loving every minute. Really, what more could a Gentleman Rider ask for?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 1:33 am 
National & North West AEC
National & North West AEC
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 03, 2008 12:43 am
Posts: 8146
Location: Macclesfield Forest
I tried the scotch egg and red bull diet back in November.

After five days I was so backed up I had to seek medical assistance.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 1:51 pm 
Deputy National AEC
Deputy National AEC
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:43 pm
Posts: 5169
Location: Cumbria, England.
I see now I was going in the wrong direction. Thank you Ed for getting my training and preparation back on track.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 2:04 pm 
Pumpy's Bear
Pumpy's Bear
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:03 pm
Posts: 8145
Location: Hereford
drystonepaul wrote:
I tried the scotch egg and red bull diet back in November.

After five days I was so backed up I had to seek medical assistance.


Sounds like you were running egg rich, a simple enough error to rectify. Alternatively keep at it and your body will adapt, rather like 'breaking in' a Brooks saddle.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 2:12 pm 
Section Moderator & South West AEC
Section Moderator & South West AEC
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 3:33 pm
Posts: 8171
Location: new forest
i admit that last year my training was poor. getting ill by swallowing a fly on Mr K's north wales ride 2 weeks before the event, then going to the doctor and being given some pills that emptied out my entire system over the actual race weekend!

this year i will be following Ed's sage advice! :D


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 9:16 pm 
retrobike rider
retrobike rider
User avatar

Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2007 1:53 pm
Posts: 1001
Location: Ross on Wye - next door to the Forest of Dean
OMG - shock horror! This would suggest that my early morning sessions on the turbo trainer, keeping my heart rate in precisely the right zone, followed by a carefully constructed muscle and bone buildng protein and fruit smoothie may not quite cut it for MM preparation then ?

Vintage Ed writing - very very funny - I'll give the ASDA mini scotch eggs a wide berth though!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:19 pm 
BoTM Winner / retrobike rider
BoTM Winner / retrobike rider
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:24 pm
Posts: 5669
Location: Dorset
ededwards wrote:
Nutrition
I can particularly recommend the traditional Valins Friday Night BBQ as the resultant food poisoning will leave you as hollow cheeked as a solo rider 23 hours in with the benefit that you still have 24 hours to go.


Those burgers were cooked....on the outside!
And, the link between Jonnyboys Friday night burger consumption and his turn-out to shower ratio for the rest of the weekend has never been proved :D

Good training advice Ed, but I'm a buffet size Melton Mowbray man myself


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2011 10:29 am 
North Wales Deputy AEC
North Wales Deputy AEC
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 30, 2006 12:50 am
Posts: 6218
Dorian's Top MM Tips (Redux):

1. Don't allow alcohol to release your rage and fury before the race starts proper

2. Don't listen/be swayed by others tactics whilst pretending to be asleep in your tent - Walls also make sausages

3. Take more old bikes than you need - good for cannibalising parts to make one work properly

4. No need to take grooming products to Mayhem - Sinnett has stockpiled so much Original Sauce over the last three years that he technically owns the company

5. Motivational speakers have their place - but not at Mayhem

6. Lights are not needed - simply wait at the entrance of the dark and scary woods for a pro/wannabee with their 1500 lumens to light up your way from behind - £400 saved

7. Don't ride a lap with Gus - whatever he may say to tempt you to enter the void

8. If you are offered a turn at the heckler's DJ decks - try to avoid playing G-A-Y anthems - remember, you are not alone in your car now

9. Jenga - now an institution at Mayhem. Occasionally people cheat - enough said.

10. I have it on good authority that the nurses in the medical tent are rather easy on the eye...


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2011 4:41 pm 
Deputy National AEC
Deputy National AEC
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:43 pm
Posts: 5169
Location: Cumbria, England.
mrkawasaki wrote:
Dorian's Top MM Tips (Redux):

4. No need to take grooming products to Mayhem - Sinnett has stockpiled so much Original Sauce over the last three years that he technically owns the company


Still not run out of shower gel! Rule 1 - Get your monies worth.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:07 pm 
Pumpy's Bear
Pumpy's Bear
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:03 pm
Posts: 8145
Location: Hereford
It saddens me to have to correct a gentleman of some standing but I feel I must if impressionable people aren't to be sucked into DorianWorld for the weekend

mrkawasaki wrote:
1. Don't allow alcohol to release your rage and fury before the race starts proper

Alcohol isn't the issue, it's the incoherent finger jabbing monologue that it inspires that is frightening. Repeat, mantra like, '"in with the anger, out with the love".

mrkawasaki wrote:
5. Motivational speakers have their place - but not at Mayhem

I'll be makin' like Tony **** Robbins at Eastnor, all welcome but only those with open minds/strong psyches.

mrkawasaki wrote:
7. Don't ride a lap with Gus - whatever he may say to tempt you to enter the void

You don't ride with Lil G, you 'share a moment'.....

mrkawasaki wrote:
8. If you are offered a turn at the heckler's DJ decks - try to avoid playing G-A-Y anthems - remember, you are not alone in your car now

On the wheels of steel I won't be the man with the red face - in Timberlake we trust!


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  

About Us

Follow Retrobike

Other cool stuff

All content © 2005-2015 Retrobike unless otherwise stated.
Cookies Policy.
bikedeals - the best bike deals in one place
FatCOGS - Fat Chance Owner's Group

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group