I suppose I will have to the write up
(Whilst a fantastic work of fiction Chris i can't help but add some facts for you)
We left promptly at 10:30, which is unusual. We did the BCP side as tradition dictatates. The old, unfit & infirm hanging back from the whipper snappers. We would have our revenge later in the day. We flew round BCP and had it done by 11:30 so decided to head over to the Red Route.
We did the whole of the Red including the extended loop. The trail obsticles have been removed from the Tight Rope section due to day-trippers hurting themselves by trying to ride them; the video shows this section of trail. The old foggies became seperated from the young whipper snappers at this point but we continued following the trail at our steady pace until we found them having a rest. (Or pondering whether we should send a scouting party back to find them complete with iron lung) They cannot keep going at the same pace for long and we just keep on plodding along like a mobile geriactic ward. Bellies audibly rumbling by this point, Neilll asked Average Mark how far it was back to the cafe, 3 miles was the answer.
(To be fair at this point LGF was nursing what can only be described as a pretty decent "1000 yard stare" and i feared somewhat for my safety)
3 miles later Neilll asked again!
Eventually we arrived back at the cafe for our well deserved refuel. During lunch I pounced on a young lady wearing a Parkpre shirt. Once I was suitably restrained she explained that she did not have a Parkpre bike but bought the top from JT Cycles (bargain bin).
Some of the young whippers decided they had had enough and called it a day. Average Mark and Stu headed for The Beast while the old foggies went in search of the old D2D route. Getting totaly lost we picked up the Black Route which we followed until the fire road by Mayday Meadow. We then crossed back over to BCP and finished by taking the singletrack from Little Thai Friend to Screaming Asian to the Four Bridges. The total distance for the double hard barstards was over 30 miles. A sweet end to a briliant day.
Rider / Bike
Average Mark - 29er Singular
Neilll - EWR
LGF - black bike of mystery
Letmetalktomark - Cotic Soul
Stuart - Modern Pace
Trebor - Kawasaki Green GT Karakoram
Lewis - GT
Lou74 - The totaly f*cked Funk
Me - Rocky Mountain Vertex