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 Post subject: Retrogrouch Rules
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:14 pm 
MacRetro rider
MacRetro rider

Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 4:16 pm
Posts: 9110
Probably been posted before but amused me so here is...........

Rules of Old School Mountain Biking
Top 20 Rules of Old School Mountain Biking



If you grew up in the 90's or were already into the mountain bike scene back then, then this article will make sense to you. Long before consumers were priced out by carbon fiber, metric wheel sizes, electronic shifting and "E-bikes", there was mountain biking. Real mountain biking. The kind of mountain biking that required skill and a little bit of recklessness. Back then there were no cycling computers, no phone apps to track Strava or even cell phones for that matter. The most travel available on a suspension fork was 80mm, not 120mm or more like today's bikes. If you are a 90's survivor, or riding a 90's survivor mountain bike, here are the top 20 rules of old school mountain biking you will need to be aware of. Welcome to the club.

1. Trail etiquette is becoming rarer than 4130 Chro-Mo and neon fade color patterns. Respect others on the trail and assist any fallen rider.

2.Always lift the front wheel to clear obstacles on the trail. A steel fork is a beautiful thing to waste.

3. Suspension? Your body is the suspension. Form your body into a spring by bending your arms and your knees.

4. E-bikes are not mountain bikes. They're off road mopeds. Now repeat this line ten times in your head before moving on, until it becomes natural.

5. If the jump is too high, or the climb is too steep, a real man walks it.

6. It's okay to wear blue jeans and flannel on your mountain bike.

7. Goos, pre-workout drinks and legal steroids are for wusses. Do you get hungry on the trail? Eat some trail mix, a Powerbar, or a banana. Real food, you wussy!

8. Upgraditis is not a condition we suffer from. Don't fix it if it ain't broken. If it is broken, buy it New-Old-Stock off of eBay.

9. Always shift your weight behind the saddle when bombing a descent or flying off a ledge. Use the rear brake, only feather the front one.

10. You only need seven gears to shift on your rear wheel. A real old-school pro does it with six.

11. If you ride with thumb shifters, that's boss.

12. V-brakes earn you respect on the trail. Cantilevers earn you instant free beers, facial hair and overall success in life.

13. Never make fun of the hippie old guy that looks like ZZ Top and rides a Walmart bike while smoking a cigar in his cutoff blue jeans and tie dye tee shirt. That guy can smoke you on the trail and drop you like a bad habit.

14. Not sure which wheel size to get? There is only one, and it comes in 26 inches. Now pick a size, any one you like, as long as its 26.

15. Yetis are real. So are Klein bikes. But seriously......they're out there.

16. If gram counting is your occupation, I'm sorry, someone didn't love you enough. Give that man a sandwich and a heavy steel bike, pronto!

17. A scar tells a story better than Strava does.

18. Never, under any circumstances, is it okay to show up to a trail with your legs shaved (unless you're a woman, then feel free to do your thang).

19. The bike should always cost less than the car, even if the car cost $800.

20. Clip-less shoes are for roadies that ride mountain bikes. Platform pedals and hiking shoes are all you need.


These are rules for the off-road retro grouch to live by. Its time to take back what was once ours from the roadies who got bored, crossed over into mountain biking and sanctioned every tree stump on the trail. Next time you go mountain biking, bring that retro bike that has been sitting in a garage for a while. Take an old pair of blue jeans, rip them in half if its hot or cuff them at the heel if its cold. Wear a tee shirt, not a jersey. Turn off your cell phone. Wear a wrist watch if you have to. Keep it old school.


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 Post subject: Re: Retrogrouch Rules
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 8:37 pm 
Lincs, East and South Yorks Deputy AEC
Lincs, East and South Yorks Deputy AEC
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Joined: Fri Feb 29, 2008 11:55 pm
Posts: 7039
Location: GUNNESS NTH LINCS
haha, i like it


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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:16 pm 
Retro Guru

Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2017 12:26 pm
Posts: 388
Location: Lost now on the country miles
Well, that makes me a retrogrouch. Rule 13 is especially important.


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 Post subject: Re: Retrogrouch Rules
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:30 pm 
Retro Guru
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Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2016 8:08 am
Posts: 981
Location: Suffolk
Saturday on the Surrey Hills was a perfect example of this. :D :D :D


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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 11:36 pm 
Retro Guru

Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 6:39 pm
Posts: 1013
Location: South Devon
Yeah nice. I'm generally happy to abide, particularly down with #6.


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 Post subject: Re: Retrogrouch Rules
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:32 am 
Retro Guru
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Joined: Sat May 24, 2014 2:59 pm
Posts: 309
Location: Airstrip One
Well Said that man &
Long live rule Twenty .


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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:07 pm 
Old School Grand Master
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Joined: Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:01 pm
Posts: 5246
Amen but i did/do take exception to 5, 8 & 16 :lol: Any Yeti/Klein owners easily breached 19


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 Post subject: Re: Retrogrouch Rules
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:13 pm 
King of the Skip Monkeys
King of the Skip Monkeys
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Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 4:34 pm
Posts: 30510
Location: Crayon-Munching-Fart-Muppet
Spds are nearly 30 years old, I think I'll carry on with them.

If that's ok with everyone of course.


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 Post subject: Re: Retrogrouch Rules
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:30 pm 
Retro Guru
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Joined: Sat May 24, 2014 2:59 pm
Posts: 309
Location: Airstrip One
legrandefromage wrote:
Spds are nearly 30 years old, I think I'll carry on with them.

If that's ok with everyone of course.

Fine by me ..but
My power grip straps and Brasher boots are close to 30 years now..
But i never raced was more of an 2 wheeled rambler..


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 Post subject: Re: Re:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:53 pm 
retrobike rider / Gold Trader
retrobike rider / Gold Trader
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Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 11:46 pm
Posts: 4477
Location: East Riding of Yorkshire
M-Power wrote:
Amen but i did/do take exception to 5, 8 & 16 :lol: Any Yeti/Klein owners easily breached 19


Sometimes there's not much alternative to 5:

Image

Except not riding up/down mountains, of course.


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